New Year's Resolution.

First draft of this appeared on Slate's Fray comments section.  I've decided to flesh this out a bit and publish it here.

WHEREAS, I find myself newly single as a result of a rather sudden divorce, and;

WHEREAS, the best year of my life was a direct result of adopting the adventurer/bachelor/free spirit elements of my personality front and center, and;

WHEREAS, 2009 represented a sort of regression to late adolescence and "do-over" for my early twenties anyway thanks to going back to college;

Then so let it be RESOLVED that;

- My life shall come to resemble a Will Ferrell movie, and;

- It shall spawn catchphrases, inside jokes, shameless flirtations with young women way out of my league because what works for Seth Rogen in Judd Apatow flicks may as well work for me, and;

- My comparative older age in this endeavor shall serve as proof, now and for all time, that just because youth is wasted on the young does not mean old dogs can't have a bit of fun as well.

RESOLVED by unanimous 3-0 vote of the Resolution Committee comprised of me and two stuffed animal mascots on my desk this first day of January in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Ten.

And while I'm on the subject, some more New Year's Resolutions:

WHEREAS, I am taking the concept of "poor college student" to new and unexplored lows, and;

WHEREAS, asceticism is a fine virtue but it ain't much fun and it sure as hell doesn't attract women, and;

WHEREAS, last semester I took five classes, scored five A's, and still managed two or three days a week to fit in a nap in the afternoon, clearly demonstrating life is too easy;

Then so let it be RESOLVED that;

- Immediately following the conclusion of a winter break designed and built to ensure full mental and emotional recovery from the events of the past year and particularly the past month, I shall spend every available moment not spent pursuing the effects of the above resolution in an effort to add any available responsibility and work that may present itself in the course of the year, and;

- That all available proceeds from the above be used to stash an asset pile in order to get a head start paying off student loans when the time comes;

- Excepting monies allocated toward the goals of the second clause of the foregoing and the main goals of the previous resolution.  Those shall be spent in the shameless pursuit of the sort of pleasures that will not present themselves again after this second attempt at college has drawn to a successful conclusion.

RESOLVED by 2-1 vote of the Resolution Committee comprised of me and two stuffed animal mascots on my desk this first day of January in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Ten.  Let the record show that one of the stuffed beavers dissented on the grounds that free time should be spent playing video games.