First assignment for Management 321 (Effective Business Writing): Write a memo introducing myself, my goals, and my interests. Of course, I wouldn't be sharing if I didn't think this was inherently interesting, but in the future somehow I doubt I'll be mining much in the way of entertainment value for you the reader out of a course that bastardizes the writing process and distills it into something so boring and banal that it's no wonder business folks end up high on cocaine. Without further ado:
To: My Management Professor
From: Dennis L. “Fox” Doucette
Date: August 31, 2010
Subject: Who Is That Guy with the Stuffed Animal in the Corner?
You wanted to know about your students. Under normal circumstances this is easy; simply go on at length about how much I love writing and media production and poof! Instant impression made.
However, I suspect this is not quite so simple when living in this strange milieu we call the business department. My goals here are purely utilitarian in nature. I have no higher aspirations toward management or C-level executive positions; indeed, the very thought of such a sale of my soul chills me to the bone.
So why would I major in business? Why not major in fine arts or journalism or underwater basket weaving? The answer comes in a quote from Sir Laurence Olivier, explaining his role in the film Inchon:
“People ask me why I'm playing in this picture. The answer is simple: Money, dear boy. I'm like a vintage wine. You have to drink me quickly before I turn sour. I'm almost used up now and I can feel the end coming. That's why I'm taking money now. I've got nothing to leave my family but the money I can make from films. Nothing is beneath me if it pays well. I've earned the right to damn well grab whatever I can in the time I've got left.”
OK, so perhaps I am neither approaching the end of my life nor meritorious enough to claim that I have earned the right to do anything other than get in line and snag a paycheck like any other working stiff. But the essence of the quote remains in its honesty; I am majoring in business to snag a few bucks out of the system so I can turn around and exercise the economic freedom to do what truly makes me happy in life.
I am a freelance creative writer first and foremost. If financing that passion means taking a job in an accounting office and chasing the brass ring for a decade or two then so be it. If I may be excused another reliance upon quotation, William F. Buckley summed up my thoughts far better than I could:
“Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.”
With that in mind, I have majored in business. This has brought me into MGT321. It behooves me as a student and as a proud, religiously pious man to attest to myself and to my gods that I gave the matter my best effort. If all else fails, at least people can laugh at my failures and draw a sort of Andy Kauffman-esque schadenfreude from the entire enterprise.